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My Letter To Clients
I love my job. I really do, and I think of myself lucky to be as fortunate in business as I have been. However, there has been many times were I have really wanted to say something to a client but didn’t, because it would be unprofessional. This post is intended as a joke. However, all of these have really happened to me during my time as an onsite computer technician.
Dear Clients,
Please lock away any large dogs. There is nothing scarier than opening a clients front gate, getting halfway across the yard only to have a Doberman come tearing around the corner, charging towards you.
Please hide any evidence that you masturbate at the computer such as tissues and hand cream. I really don’t want to see any evidence like that while I am touching your keyboard.
To the male clients, please please please don’t answer the door in just your underwear. It really makes me not want to enter your house.
While I am moving files from one location to another and the file “Barely_Legal_Lesbian_XXX_Hentai_Bondage_Nurse_SchoolGirl.avi” comes up. Don’t lie, I know its yours.
Just because I fix a computer once, doesn’t mean I inherit all past and future problems that we have to fix for free under our “service warranty”.
If what we fixed occurs again or wasn’t fixed properly the first time, then I am more than happy to fix it. However, any non-related issues that occur are considered a new callout.
If I am intensely concentrating on the screen and I am only answering your questions with minimal answers. Please stop talking.
You tell me that your brother/cousin/nephew/work-friend said that the computer repair would be really easy and thus we should only charge you $10? Go get your brother/cousin/nephew/workfriend to do it then, if he thinks its so easy.
Watch out for that “My Pictures Folder” screensaver. It might just show me some pictures you don’t want me to see when the screensaver kicks in – such as naked pictures of your significant other. Yes, this really happened, to make things worse, the naked pictures of his wife appeared while the wife was in the room. We all saw it. Awkward…….
Yours Sincerely,
– Bryce Whitty
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Ah yes, Bryce, every last one of those items has happened to me.
I’ve told folks before, if you don’t like pets, don’t go into this business; 95% of your customers will have them.
Now the important thing in the my picture screen saver is was the wife hot? But yes the masturbation thing is just disgusting its like great I know where his hands have been and besides this keyboard thanks now I need to go was the skin off my hands.
I thought it was awkward when a guys bare backside showed up on a girls computer while her mom was sitting beside me, but a wifes naked picture takes the cake.
Yep, everything on the list has happened to me also. I have one more thing to add to this part
“To the male clients, please please please don’t answer the door in just your underwear. It really makes me not want to enter your house.”
If you are a female and weigh more than me (209 lbs.) Don’t answer the door in a thong. Had that happen more than once and I’m now scared for life.
Aww, but dobies are so CUTE!
Dogs, even large dogs, are harmless, as long as you treat them sensibly.
(One of my client offices has a pro-dog policy, since the CEO brings her seeing-eye dog to work, so everyone else gets to bring in their pooches, too, as long as they behave. One guy has the biggest Great Dane I’ve ever seen, and he’s a total sweetie.)
The worst thing about dogs is when they stink (and most do) and wont leave you alone. The owners are used to it and just can’t see your discomfort.
Its also bad when the owner can’t seem to smell the oder in their house that comes from keeping all manner of animals in it.
Bryce, I feel your pain. I would include to your list – please don’t share political, religious insights with your computer tech or ask him to share his. I once visited a client who insisted on lecturing me about becoming a Jehovahs Witness and this guy had some teen sex site burned into his monitor screen!
And please pick up your house. I have been to a home where there was so much trash the end user had to clear paths around the house. And if you have cockroaches please tell me before I take your system apart–nothing worse than finding nesting cockroaches in a case
Try working on a girls laptop, the father sitting right there and finding exposed pictures of the girl on it. I think the father took away her laptop after that. Talk about awkward.
lmao!! We have all been there great letter i should start sending it to all my clients. lol!!
I like to also add: Please do not announce that you “need to run out for a few minutes” (while I’m in the middle of what you called me in for) and just to “pull the door shut” behind me if I have to leave. While I’m touched by your level of trust, I’m also screwed royally if something turns up missing. Especially if you report “the computer guy was the last one here.”
Also do not leave me with (all true):
a) a pet in heat
b) your loopy grandparents
c) your son up in his room smoking dope
d) your teenage daughter and her friends – who seem to feel the need to parade themselves around the room in their bathing suits.
In a nutshell, don’t leave me alone at all.
Stop asking me to help you move furniture (couches, other stuff). I’m not a mover I’m a computer tech.
Do not constantly stare at the screen and watch me like a hawk. I can not complete work while being breathed on.
LOL! Most of these things have happened to me in some form or another. Sad but true.
Having been a (VERY) large dog owner before, and being a large person myself, the pet thing isn’t all that bad (for me), as I just tell most of them when their shepard/lab/whatever jumps up is that I am used to wrestling with Newfoundlands and St. Bernards, and though I’d love to play, they probably wouldn’t rather pay me my hourly rate to do that instead ;)
Most of the naughty pictures/browser history also is glossed over quickly, but I was more than a little uncomfortable with the blatantly gay client with the failing hard drive that called me out to “save his data” consisting of primarily XXX gay porn while he sat next to me chain-smoking nervously, with his allegedly “sick live-in” mother hacked up her lungs in the next room… Double yuck!!!
If one’s housekeeping skills are so poor that the computer access is restricted by trash and clutter, maybe the computer’s failing was a sign that it’s time to get up from the screen and do some housework??? Maybe add also, “Please don’t smoke next to me (anything), because I need to be presentable to my next customer, and don’t have an option to go change my clothes & take a shower after I leave your house?
This is great. Don’t leave me while I’m doing the work and say, “i trust you to finish on your own” and “Just send me the bill” No, you called, stay here while I work and pay me when I’m done. Lost a couple hundred on those types.
You forgot some key things to have them do first before even calling you out..
1. reboot the pc.
2. reboot the pc.
3. plug in the pc.
4. turn on the monitor.
Having been a tech/helpdesk guy for the last 10 years, and working on/in computers twice that. I have literally seen the “broken cupholder” and “any key” problems. And let me told you, there are quite a few loose nuts on the keyboards out there.
Even though it helps by telling me your problem began after surfing porn, I don’t necessarily enjoy swapping porn ‘one-up’ stories. And thank you but no, I don’t want a beer at 9:30 in the morning.
Think its bad having a picture of the wife show up. Imagine how I felt when a sexting picture came up of the teenage daughter while I was demoing the new computer for the mom… I was like oh sh*t!!! Couldn’t close it fast enough.