A sincere note from the bottom of my heart.

[Kitten Kong]

Please read this, in its entirety. Thank you.
This is probably the hardest post I have ever had to write.

I have had friends and family die from suicide and it's tragic and heartbreaking, this was before facebook and social media so why did they do it?

No one knows, nobody can be blamed, we have to be in a dark place end of story, famous or not, everyone is facing their own journey only some of us make it through.

This isn't a post of recriminations, it's a plea. What does that mean?

To me, it is trying to deal with what life thrown at me, but I am still trying and be a caring, nice person.

I'm not perfect, in fact far from it. I'm human, there have been times when I have said and done things and wished that I could take them back.

I have made a public apology to my wife for any hurt I have or am putting her through right now.

It's just important to remember that we really know nothing about other people's lives and what they are going through.

That last unkind remark from you could be the tipping point for that person.

So look after yourselves everyone.

I may get bolllocked from you, my friends, and fellow technicians here for saying this, but right now, I don;t care and want everyone to know. Much more important I NEED to say it.

I am suffering and battling from severe depression, For a good couple of years. I have tried to put a brave face on things, but inside I have been slowly dying away.

I have had very VERY serious thoughts about things, much more so very recently.. I have asked some really good friends for help recently. They know who they are, and all have come to the rescue, especially a chosen few, who I do not want to mention as they are still helping me now.

Yes I have had things deep inside for a very long time, and it has finally come to the surface.

Be kind to others but more importantly,

BE KIND TO YOURSELF! It's OK not to be ok, it's OK to ask for help,

There is light at the end of the tunnel, and the storm does not last for ever.

So thank you to everyone xx

I want or rather need to say this to you, my clients, and my friends, as an apology for either not picking up my phone when you have rang, or not doing my job for you as quickly as I normally would have.

I'm male, we hide things, we bury things inside. Well yesterday, I got to the point, where I knew how I was going to do it, and what was required. That has been the lowest I have ever been in my life. Which is why I needed to put the call out for help and assistance.

I must have gone through half a kitchen roll yesterday, wiping my tears away,

Business has been horrific for me the past 18-24 months. From what was a relatively successful business, ie meeting clients (you), and completing your repairs, and doing on average 15-20 jobs a week, last year according to my records, I was doing less than 10 jobs a month.

So yes, I basically lost interest in the business, ergo lost interest in contacting you, with news letters, information, facebook posts etc, and just getting further and further withdrawn into my self.

I stopped writing columns in the I&C Times, because the mag wasnt delivering what it used to do. (This is through no fault of the mag, or Billy).

I was so close to writing an email to everyone at Xmas time, when I was having my Xmas break, to say,Thank you for your support over the years, but I had decided to close the business. This is after being open for 15 years!.

Instead, I am still open for business, and looking forward to helping you all.

I completely understand, if you do not wish to do business with me any more, after how I have treated some of you previously, but ask for your forgiveness. It was obviously my mental health issues, which have had a huge impact on my personal and business life. And life in general. I didn't want to live anymore..

I am slowly working through this, and hope that you can please bare with me.

Thank you to everyone.
Be Safe Nige x

This is email I sent to all my clients this lunchtime. I amended it a bit, from what I posted on my facebook page last night.

I was >< to ending my life yesterday. Things had got just to much, I couldn't cope.

I have been in touch with my GP (doctors) this afternoon, who immediately referred me to hospital, to see the mental health crisis team, due to yesterday. They wanted to ensure that I wasn't going to harm myself again in the very near future.

They are happy I'm not. Referred me back again to my gp for tomorrow. I need to make an urgent appointment to see them again tomorrow, to start taking my anti depressant regime.

So this post, is just to say, I am sorry if I have offended anyone in any way here, I'm sorry if I have not done my job properly / correctly. And @Bryce W if you would like me to step down as admin, I will do. Though I would like to continue in my roll here, and support all of my fellow technicians.

I'm putting this post in Gen Chat, as I feel it applies to anyone, technician or not, if you need help, SEEK it out. Don't let the black hearted demons win. You can climb out of the abyss.

Thank you all.
Be safe
Nige x

 

[britechguy]

Kraken,

From someone else who's "been there, and very nearly 'done that'" I want you to know that you have done the right thing by seeking out help from anywhere you can find it. You will pull through.

Depression, sadly, has a tendency to recur over time, but once you know and understand what's happening, and how to nip it in the bud or minimize the depth with which you "fall in," it becomes easier to manage as well.

Strength vibes are being sent your way. Keep reaching out to those near to you (in real life, in particular) to help you to come through and out the other side!

 

[Kitten Kong]

@britechguy thank you so much my friend. I do appreciate the support Brian.

 

[Your PCMD]

I'm actually at a loss for words my friend. Although I have not got anywhere near the stage you were (yes, past tense because now you continue to move forward) I have been there years ago for reasons. As recently as 2 years ago my daughter made an attempt but thankfully that failed.

As with anything in life, there is/will be problems that arise. But it is the notion that you have greatful friends, relatives, etc. that can and will help you though whatever you have going on. I'm just a peon here on this forum, but I have made friends with quite a number of others here, and including you. Though we are oceans apart, if there is anything I can do, please don't hesitate to let me know. I'm just a phone call away.

Massive respect to you @Kraken

 

[Porthos]

Personally, I am lucky I guess I have not ever been there. But the son I live with tried twice. Now diagnosed with DID, His meds keep him in check.
I have never seen you on the open forum getting short with anyone so I guess it was in PM's.
I sincerely hope you get the treatment you need to get better.

 

[Mike McCall]

Nige,

First, kudos to you for having the courage to reach out to someone in the midst of the moment. Second, more kudos for trusting us here with your struggle.

I have some understanding of depression having survived 3 suicide attempts myself. I bear physical scars from one of those attempts, some I'm unable to hide. It's been many years since I've been in such a place, but I still have bouts with deep depression. It is often exhausting as you know. Depression loves to hide in the shadows. Don't let it! Drag it out into the light as you've done here and exposed it for the liar and the thief it truly is. Don't give it any place to hide and fester. No matter what the hour I'm available. (PM sent)

 

[phaZed]

Hi Nige,

Thank you for sharing. It must have been scary to post something so personal to both us and your customers - but I hope that it helps you to tell others. To, "get it off your chest" as they say. That took courage, my friend. With that same courage you will get through this.

While I have not been in a hole quite as deep, we all hit ruts and potholes. That isn't meant to diminish or compare your situation - only to let you know you're not alone. Don't be ashamed. Don't feel shame, for this. You should be proud of yourself. Be proud that your being here on this earth is shaping the very fabric of the people you interact with, IRL and on this forum... and for the better, I might add.

I hope you get some insight from the Docs as to "what to do next". Sometimes it's an imbalance of chemical activity in the brain, sometimes is purely the mind at wits end. I'm no doctor, and I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir my limited knowledge. I guess what I'm failing to eloquently transition to is simple:

In my limited time here, on Earth, there has been nothing more life-changing, eye-opening, outlook-changing and temperament-adjusting (For good) than that of psychedelics... Shrooms, MDMA. It's been a once every 5-10 year thing for me and what I took away from it each time was life-changing. It seems to be helping people with PTSD, as well. I say these things not to prescribe to you a solution.. but to perhaps offer a tool that society usually would not. It's a tool that I have seen help others I personally know as well as myself. In the face of conventional norms, I know it sounds silly, but the experiences were profound and clarity-inducing.

Best wishes Nige! I for one would help you in any way I reasonably can... even if I'm virtually forum-bound and across the pond. You have friends and support here and I'm sure you have the support of your IRL friends, being such a stand-up kinda guy!

 

[Markverhyden]

Nige, there's no need to apologize nor is there any reason worry about offending someone. It's your life for you to live, not someone else to judge. We all have peaks and valleys in our lives. Sometimes the peaks aren't high or wide. And sometimes those valleys seem to go on forever. Always remember that you're a symbol of strength to many people whether you know it or not. Persistent health problems are a very difficult burden to bear. But bearing those, even imperfectly, is a symbol of strength to others. I know it is for me.

Don't isolate yourself, even if you don't feel like talking about things. The last couple of decades has been tough on humans. The Internet and living in front of screens is not an improvement in life in my book. Our entire evolutionary path has been in front of our those around us. Make a point of thanking those around you, even for seemingly small things. That usually results in them doing the same, which can be a tremendous boost.

And you've been doing a bang up job here. Those of us who've been around here for a while understand that you run your own business. Well, actually two since you do the canine agility thing. Plus being admin here all while having your health issues. So it's actually more than a bang up job. It's a model to look up to so to speak, mistakes and all.

 

[Larry Sabo]

We're all pulling for you, Nige! Personally, I can't thank you enough for the yeoman service you have rendered to our benefit here at Technibble. When I read of the pain you endure while putting your beloved dogs through agility, I marvel at your strength and determination. Just take one day at a time, my friend, and know that you have many friends wishing you the best, here at Technibble and among your customer base, too, I'm certain.

 

[Moltuae]

Let me know if there's anything I can do to help, Nige; I'm only 30 mins drive away from you.

We should try to meet up for a drink and a chat soon.

 

[GTP]

Nige, I am working through a similar situation. I haven't been as active on here as i used to be because of it.
Business has dropped to the point where I too have thought about closing the door.
But its not just a decline in business. Personal issues play a major part too.
And, like you my friend, I have had those dark thoughts. Its an awful feeling. That cold blackness you feel. That dark despair. When your thoughts keep coming back to the easy way out.
Nobody knows what your inner turmoils are until its either too late or you choose to seek help.
I chose to seek help, rather than take the easy option and with the support I've received I'm on my way back.
Its slow going, but I'll make it. And you will too.
Life is tough. We aren't. Sometimes we cant do it on our own. Its ok to ask for help. I realise that now.

All the very best, mate.

 

[YeOldeStonecat]

Nige....we're in your corner....getting past this point is an important step. Keep standing up tall and moving forward!

 

[Sky-Knight]

Nige, your words hit hard. You don't know me, but I've felt those cold dark walls myself. I came very close to losing my wife, and two of my children just before Thanksgiving in 2014. If not for the other two still needing me, I'd probably not be here anymore.

But, this isn't about reason. This is about the cold harsh emotional overrides that attack us where we can't run, and can't find relief. I have no answers for you. All I can say is that I'm here, if for some reason you feel the need to reach out to a complete stranger you know where to find me.

 

[oldtech]

Having lost 12 different people in my life to suicide I applaud your courage. You've taken a good step in sharing here and acknowledging your feelings. It's trite and cliche but the only truly bad day in life is your last one, don't hasten it.

 

[Blackhammer]

Nige
You have taken one of the hardest steps, admitting there is an issue. We applaud and support you. No one can walk in you shoes, but we can encourage you to not give up.

 

[Bryce W]

Hey Nige, I haven't logged into the forums for a few days so I'm sorry I didn't post this sooner.

Good on you for reaching out, to both medical professionals and others. Thats a huge step and it's really easy to be trapped inside your own mind. And when you are inside that rut, its sometimes "hard to see the shape of the forest when you are among the trees".

I think a lot of us here have been in dark places, and I say that not to lessen the situation, but to strengthen it that its not just you, you are not alone and people understand.

In 2018 I was knocked about pretty bad when my unborn son died. We're still not where we were.

So this post, is just to say, I am sorry if I have offended anyone in any way here, I'm sorry if I have not done my job properly / correctly. And @Bryce W if you would like me to step down as admin, I will do. Though I would like to continue in my roll here, and support all of my fellow technicians.

Definitely don't want you to step down. You do a great job here and everyone here would agree with me. The forums and I need you.

 

[GTP]

The forums and I need you.

 

[frase]

Take care Nige, I am on the dark side of the moon as well. I have been for quite some time now. Am seeing a counselor for help. Unfortunately I turned to alcohol for relief, to escape the torment. Was stupid as just enhances the depression as it is a depressant.

I am seeing my GP every fortnight as well. Have had a seizure just recently, due to trying to go cold turkey. Ended up in hospital for a few days, MRI, EEG, CT and Ultrasounds. Damn came out like Monty burns when he was radioactive.



You are not alone, and we are all here for you, Best wishes.

 

[River Valley Computer]

My thoughts and prayers are with you Nige. You will make it fine!!!!!!!

 

[TechLady]

Oh Nige, I'm so sorry to hear this. DO NOT feel guilty or weird about reaching out. I've almost sent the same letter out to all of my clients, and I've been off and on medication for a long time. It is not a failing.

Some books I found comforting/helpful:

Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened (large chapter on depression, really good)
The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression
The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness (best after you're through the worst of it)
It's All Absolutely Fine: Life is complicated, so I've drawn it instead

Also:

How To Feed Yourself When You're Depressed