Humor Section!

[Porthos]

 

[Porthos]

 

[Porthos]

 

[Porthos]

 

[Porthos]

DISTINCTION BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS


To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words; and if there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people having "Guts" or "Balls", but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the Guts to ask, are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar,
and slapping your wife on the bottom and having the Balls to say, you're next, chubby.


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.


Medically speaking; there is no difference in the outcome.

 

[TechLady]

If anyone needs a nice Halloween printable for the office: https://community.spiceworks.com/to...you-don-t-submit-a-ticket?page=2&pagination=2

 

[GTP]

I went out to a bar the other night and was sitting there drinking my beer when two rather large ladies walked in and sat next to me at the bar.
They had a strange accent so I casually asked "are you two ladies from Scotland?"
Immediately they glared at me and screamed "it's Wales you dumb ****!"

So I quickly corrected my mistake and asked "are you two whales from Scotland?"

The doctor says I will be good in a week or two....

 

[HCHTech]

Fun with etymology (shamelessly stolen from a great podcast called "Your Brain on Facts"):

• The Swedish word for Turtle translates as "Shell Toad"
• The Swedish word for Bat translates as "Flappy Mouse"
• The Portuguese word for Calf translates as "Potato of the Leg"
• The German word for Helicopter translates as "Lifting Screwdriver"
• The Icelandic word for Computer translates as "Number Witch"
• The Japanese word for Hedgehog translates as "Needle Mouse"
• The Irish word for Jellyfish translates as "Seal Snot"
• The Croatian word for Speedbump translates as "Lying Policeman"

 

[Philippe]

• The French word for Bat translates as "Bald Mouse"

 

[dontknowjack]

 

[Porthos]

The Middle Wife'

From the point of view of an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher :



I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.



When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.



Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.



She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'



She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.



'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh !' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'

(Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)



'My Dad called the middle wife... She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.

They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew !'

(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.



They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.

When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'



Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

 

[Porthos]

 

[TechLady]

View attachment 13177

Me with my ex, lol

 

[Porthos]

 

[mattsnoddy]

 

[glricht]

I'm sure you all know the old prank, but still makes me laugh:

1) take screenshot of friend's desktop
2) make it their wallpaper
3) delete all their desktop icons
4) hide the taskbar

I know this is an 5+ year-old post, but I got a call from a customer just last week that had this exact thing! What's old is new again!

 

[britechguy]

View attachment 13197

Answer to first question: For keeping things that way. It doesn't happen by magic.

Answer to second question: To fix it. I can't be omniscient nor am I omnipotent. Things will occasionally break.

 

[thatdude]

@britechguy said:

I can't be omniscient nor am I omnipotent

<sarcasm font> Check out Mr. Webster there! Using big words the rest of us have to Google on what the hell they mean! </sarcasm font>

 

[TechLady]

 

[Porthos]