Mercenary Roadie
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 411
- Location
- Santa Paula, CA
Yes, there are no stupid questions.
But.
There are some really dumb ones.
But.
There are some really dumb ones.
Humor Section!
- Thread starter TechLady
- Start date
Altster
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 1,394
- Location
- Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
Can you-all believe it? We are up to 52 pages of postings in this sub-board.
Who knew we could be so phunny?
Who knew we could be so phunny?
GTP
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 9,449
- Location
- Adelaide, Australia
Car makers Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real b**ch to start in the morning!
Some men have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome......
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real b**ch to start in the morning!
Some men have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome......
GTP
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 9,449
- Location
- Adelaide, Australia
Hey ladies, have you ever wondered how many women's problems start with MEN?
MENopause
MENstruation
MENtal issues
MENace
MENdacities
MENorrhagia
MENdacious
MENorrheas........
and MENu, which you mostly don't get to see 'cause we order for you!
MENopause
MENstruation
MENtal issues
MENace
MENdacities
MENorrhagia
MENdacious
MENorrheas........
and MENu, which you mostly don't get to see 'cause we order for you!
GTP
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 9,449
- Location
- Adelaide, Australia
Little Johnie loved clowns. Any clowns. He couldn't wait for the circus to come to town so he could go and see the clowns!
One day, Johnie saw a flyer on a pole stating that the circus would be coming to town shortly!
He quickly ran down to the ticketing office and bought a ticket for the front row centre!
The big day arrived and Johnie could hardly contain his excitement! He could't wait to see the clowns!
When the circus opened Johnie was first through the turnstiles. He found his front row centre seat and sat down to wait for the clowns!
Suddenly, through the back of the main tent the clowns burst out! Laughing and jumping, spinning and cartwheeling, clowns on bicycles, clowns on unicycles, clowns riding on other clowns and Johnie was beside himself with excitement!
Around and around the 3 big rings they went performing all sorts of tricks! Suddenly, the music and all the clowns stopped dead. One of the clowns stopped right in front of Johnie! All the other clowns were watching him and Johnie. The crowd were silent!
Johnie could hardly speak! The clown came up close to Johnie and asked him his name! Johnie was so excited that he could only squeek his name in answer! Then the clown asked "are you the tail of a donkey, Johnie?" Johnie didn't know what to say! He didn't understand the question! Why would his most favourite entertainer ask such a thing? Johnie could only shyly mutter, "No!"
The clown came closer. He asked Johnie, "are you the head of a donkey, then Johnie?" Again johnie was taken aback! What was all this? Why was he asking this? Johnie started to get a bit upset!
Suddenly, the clown came right up to Johnie's face and said, "then you must be the middle of the donkey!" And suddenly the crowd erupted with laughter! The music started again and the clowns all went back to their various tricks!
Poor Johnie sat there crestfallen. He didn't understand what it was all about. All through the various acts that followed people in the audience would point at Johnie and burst out laughing again! He couldn't take any more so he left and went home.
When he got home his Mum asked if he enjoyed the clowns? "No!" was his snappy response. He told his Mum all about what happened that day at the circus. His Mum gave him a hug and told him to go see his Uncle Marvin! Uncle Marvin would know what it all meant 'cause Uncle Marvin was known throughout the district for his "lightning wit," "sharp tongue" and "scintillating repartee!"
Johnie relayed the entire story, in minute detail, to Uncle Marvin! The whole time Uncle Marvin sat in his easy chair and listened intently! When Johnie had finished the tale he asked his Uncle what it all meant. Uncle Marvin just sat, consumed in deep thought!
Suddenly, he looked up and said to Johnie, "I want you to go down to the ticket office and get two tickets in the front row for tonight's performance!" "We'll see about this clown!"
That night Johnie and Uncle Marvin arrived and sat down. They didn't have long to wait because the clowns burst out of the back of the tent, laughing and cartwheeling, riding their silly little bicycles and unicycles! Around and around they went but this time Johnie just sat and watched! He was still smarting from the clowns rebuke the day before.
Suddenly, the music and all the clowns stopped dead! The same clown stopped right in front of Johnie!
The clown leaned in and said "well if it isn't Johnie!" "Tell me Johnie?" "Are you the tail of a donkey?"
Johnie didn't know what to do so he just looked up at Uncle Marvin who sat there with a bemused smile.
The clown came closer and asked, "are you the head of a donkey Johnie?" Johnie didn't answer cause he knew that Uncle Marvin was about to unload on this clown! Uncle Marvin was known throughout the district for his "lightning wit," "sharp tongue" and "scintillating repartee!" Johnie quickly looked up at Uncle Marvin. Uncle Marvin gave Johnie the "dexter wink!"
Suddenly the clown came right up to Johnie's face and said "then you must be the middle..." he was cut off mid sentence cause Uncle Marvin suddenly sprang from his seat, grabbed the clown by the scruff, pulled him close and said,
"F*** OFF you red nosed wanker!"
One day, Johnie saw a flyer on a pole stating that the circus would be coming to town shortly!
He quickly ran down to the ticketing office and bought a ticket for the front row centre!
The big day arrived and Johnie could hardly contain his excitement! He could't wait to see the clowns!
When the circus opened Johnie was first through the turnstiles. He found his front row centre seat and sat down to wait for the clowns!
Suddenly, through the back of the main tent the clowns burst out! Laughing and jumping, spinning and cartwheeling, clowns on bicycles, clowns on unicycles, clowns riding on other clowns and Johnie was beside himself with excitement!
Around and around the 3 big rings they went performing all sorts of tricks! Suddenly, the music and all the clowns stopped dead. One of the clowns stopped right in front of Johnie! All the other clowns were watching him and Johnie. The crowd were silent!
Johnie could hardly speak! The clown came up close to Johnie and asked him his name! Johnie was so excited that he could only squeek his name in answer! Then the clown asked "are you the tail of a donkey, Johnie?" Johnie didn't know what to say! He didn't understand the question! Why would his most favourite entertainer ask such a thing? Johnie could only shyly mutter, "No!"
The clown came closer. He asked Johnie, "are you the head of a donkey, then Johnie?" Again johnie was taken aback! What was all this? Why was he asking this? Johnie started to get a bit upset!
Suddenly, the clown came right up to Johnie's face and said, "then you must be the middle of the donkey!" And suddenly the crowd erupted with laughter! The music started again and the clowns all went back to their various tricks!
Poor Johnie sat there crestfallen. He didn't understand what it was all about. All through the various acts that followed people in the audience would point at Johnie and burst out laughing again! He couldn't take any more so he left and went home.
When he got home his Mum asked if he enjoyed the clowns? "No!" was his snappy response. He told his Mum all about what happened that day at the circus. His Mum gave him a hug and told him to go see his Uncle Marvin! Uncle Marvin would know what it all meant 'cause Uncle Marvin was known throughout the district for his "lightning wit," "sharp tongue" and "scintillating repartee!"
Johnie relayed the entire story, in minute detail, to Uncle Marvin! The whole time Uncle Marvin sat in his easy chair and listened intently! When Johnie had finished the tale he asked his Uncle what it all meant. Uncle Marvin just sat, consumed in deep thought!
Suddenly, he looked up and said to Johnie, "I want you to go down to the ticket office and get two tickets in the front row for tonight's performance!" "We'll see about this clown!"
That night Johnie and Uncle Marvin arrived and sat down. They didn't have long to wait because the clowns burst out of the back of the tent, laughing and cartwheeling, riding their silly little bicycles and unicycles! Around and around they went but this time Johnie just sat and watched! He was still smarting from the clowns rebuke the day before.
Suddenly, the music and all the clowns stopped dead! The same clown stopped right in front of Johnie!
The clown leaned in and said "well if it isn't Johnie!" "Tell me Johnie?" "Are you the tail of a donkey?"
Johnie didn't know what to do so he just looked up at Uncle Marvin who sat there with a bemused smile.
The clown came closer and asked, "are you the head of a donkey Johnie?" Johnie didn't answer cause he knew that Uncle Marvin was about to unload on this clown! Uncle Marvin was known throughout the district for his "lightning wit," "sharp tongue" and "scintillating repartee!" Johnie quickly looked up at Uncle Marvin. Uncle Marvin gave Johnie the "dexter wink!"
Suddenly the clown came right up to Johnie's face and said "then you must be the middle..." he was cut off mid sentence cause Uncle Marvin suddenly sprang from his seat, grabbed the clown by the scruff, pulled him close and said,
"F*** OFF you red nosed wanker!"
Last edited:
Larry Sabo
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 3,324
- Location
- Ottawa, Canada
LOL.
GTP
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 9,449
- Location
- Adelaide, Australia
This is a true story!
In November 1986, the members of The New England Antique Machinery Club, of which I was the Secretary, received a letter from the Secretary of the Dorrigo Show Society asking if we would be so kind as to put on a display of antique farm engines and tractors at their Dorrigo Showground for the entertainment of general public.
We were delighted at the request as this is what our members do; we go along to show’s and display our old gear, which has a great deal of "historical significance," with some of the items dating back over a hundred years! The engine I was to put on display was almost 90 years old!
Well, the members and I assembled and we left Armidale at around 6.30am and arrived in Dorrigo at around 9.30am. We were shown to an area that the Show Society had set aside for us under an expansive new iron roof supported by 6 large wooden poles. As the gates opened at 10.00am, we were keen to set up before the public started drifting in.
We proceeded to set up our various items of antique “junk” in the spots that each member had chosen.
There was quite a collection of stationary farm engines, oil lamps, steam engines, an impressive steam marine engine, a collection of boat and plane propellers from before WW1, a working model of a steam sawmill that was very detailed and beautifully made, a couple of “drag saws,” set up to cut a large log when the crowd got big enough, Gary's faithfully restored "Lanz Bulldog" tractor, Noel's collection of very rare and beautifully restored antique chainsaws as well as Harry and Isabel’s display of antique household Bric-a-Brac and many other interesting items.
When we had completed our set-up and put all the safety fencing in place, the public started drifting past looking quizzically at each display, stopping every now and then to ask a question of the member who owned the particular piece of gear.
As it was very cool in Dorrigo at this time of the year we decided that a warming cup of tea was needed. So, we busied ourselves filling cups and mugs with tea and coffee poured from all types of “Thermos” flasks. We then settled back to enjoy our smoko.
Suddenly I noticed a man standing about 10 feet away, looking at my "Lister Junior" engine, which was running at the time, with what appeared to be a keen interest. I thought about approaching the fellow, to ask if I could help him. I was enjoying my cuppa very much so I decided to stay put for a bit and just keep an eye on this bloke. The man walked around my engine a couple of times, never taking his eyes of it for a second. I could see that he was puzzled by something because every now and then his brow would furrow and he would gently shake his head from side to side. Suddenly, he dipped his hand into the “hopper,” testing the temperature of the water that was just beginning to make some steam that rose in little puffs from the open top.
As these machines can be very dangerous with spinning "flywheels," exposed gears, very hot exposed exhaust pipes etc I thought I had better go over and approach the man to find out what he obviously didn't understand and keep him at a safe distance from the machine!
“Good Morning,” said I. “Good Morning,” he replied. “Can I be of any assistance?” I asked. The man looked up at me with a deadly serious demeanour. “It’s a hell of a way to boil water for a bath” he exclaimed!
“Oh, no, no, no,” I said, “ this is a farm engine, for a shearing shed,” I explained. It's not for boiling bath water!
“For a shearing shed?” he replied, “what do you mean?” he asked with a weird look on his face. “Well,” says I, “you see, this is an engine that was used to drive an overhead shearing set-up!” “It ran three stands, meaning that each stand had a Shearer, with a handpiece that was being driven by the engine, via a belt connected to the belt pulley on the side of the engine.” As I explained I motioned and gestured toward the various parts so that he would have a clearer understanding!
“But what is the hot water for!” he blurted. “Well the water is for cooling the engine!” I replied. “But how does it cool the engine if it’s hot”, he asked. “ Well, you see, the water doesn't get very hot because of the size and surface area of the tank on the front!” I pointed out to the fellow how the water entered through the engine at the bottom inlet, then, as the hot engine cylinder came into contact with the water, the water became heated. Then through the action of “Thermo syphoning”, the hot water rose up through the top outlet and entered the cooling tank, where it would dissipate the heat. The cooler water would then sink to the bottom of the tank to start the cycle again. Throughout the whole explanation, the man listened very attentively to what I said, without interruption, making sure that he saw everything I pointed out, as I moved my hands to each part I was describing.
After almost an hour of explanation the man seemed to comprehend then how the machine actually worked!
“Well! He said. That makes sense now that you have explained it!” “I thought initially that the machine was used to boil water for a bath!”
“Well you know what it does now, don’t you!” said I. “Well I’m from the city!” he retorted, “I’ve never seen anything like this before!”
Just then, another man approached us and stood beside him. He was obviously an acquaintance of the first man. “What does it do?” asked the second man. Without any hesitation, the first man replied, “IT BOILS WATER FOR A BATH!”
Author: Greg Poulter
Date: 12-9-99 4.00pm
This Document is Copyright. Unauthorised reproduction prohibited without written approval of the author.
“It Boils Water For A Bath!”
In November 1986, the members of The New England Antique Machinery Club, of which I was the Secretary, received a letter from the Secretary of the Dorrigo Show Society asking if we would be so kind as to put on a display of antique farm engines and tractors at their Dorrigo Showground for the entertainment of general public.
We were delighted at the request as this is what our members do; we go along to show’s and display our old gear, which has a great deal of "historical significance," with some of the items dating back over a hundred years! The engine I was to put on display was almost 90 years old!
Well, the members and I assembled and we left Armidale at around 6.30am and arrived in Dorrigo at around 9.30am. We were shown to an area that the Show Society had set aside for us under an expansive new iron roof supported by 6 large wooden poles. As the gates opened at 10.00am, we were keen to set up before the public started drifting in.
We proceeded to set up our various items of antique “junk” in the spots that each member had chosen.
There was quite a collection of stationary farm engines, oil lamps, steam engines, an impressive steam marine engine, a collection of boat and plane propellers from before WW1, a working model of a steam sawmill that was very detailed and beautifully made, a couple of “drag saws,” set up to cut a large log when the crowd got big enough, Gary's faithfully restored "Lanz Bulldog" tractor, Noel's collection of very rare and beautifully restored antique chainsaws as well as Harry and Isabel’s display of antique household Bric-a-Brac and many other interesting items.
When we had completed our set-up and put all the safety fencing in place, the public started drifting past looking quizzically at each display, stopping every now and then to ask a question of the member who owned the particular piece of gear.
As it was very cool in Dorrigo at this time of the year we decided that a warming cup of tea was needed. So, we busied ourselves filling cups and mugs with tea and coffee poured from all types of “Thermos” flasks. We then settled back to enjoy our smoko.
Suddenly I noticed a man standing about 10 feet away, looking at my "Lister Junior" engine, which was running at the time, with what appeared to be a keen interest. I thought about approaching the fellow, to ask if I could help him. I was enjoying my cuppa very much so I decided to stay put for a bit and just keep an eye on this bloke. The man walked around my engine a couple of times, never taking his eyes of it for a second. I could see that he was puzzled by something because every now and then his brow would furrow and he would gently shake his head from side to side. Suddenly, he dipped his hand into the “hopper,” testing the temperature of the water that was just beginning to make some steam that rose in little puffs from the open top.
As these machines can be very dangerous with spinning "flywheels," exposed gears, very hot exposed exhaust pipes etc I thought I had better go over and approach the man to find out what he obviously didn't understand and keep him at a safe distance from the machine!
“Good Morning,” said I. “Good Morning,” he replied. “Can I be of any assistance?” I asked. The man looked up at me with a deadly serious demeanour. “It’s a hell of a way to boil water for a bath” he exclaimed!
“Oh, no, no, no,” I said, “ this is a farm engine, for a shearing shed,” I explained. It's not for boiling bath water!
“For a shearing shed?” he replied, “what do you mean?” he asked with a weird look on his face. “Well,” says I, “you see, this is an engine that was used to drive an overhead shearing set-up!” “It ran three stands, meaning that each stand had a Shearer, with a handpiece that was being driven by the engine, via a belt connected to the belt pulley on the side of the engine.” As I explained I motioned and gestured toward the various parts so that he would have a clearer understanding!
“But what is the hot water for!” he blurted. “Well the water is for cooling the engine!” I replied. “But how does it cool the engine if it’s hot”, he asked. “ Well, you see, the water doesn't get very hot because of the size and surface area of the tank on the front!” I pointed out to the fellow how the water entered through the engine at the bottom inlet, then, as the hot engine cylinder came into contact with the water, the water became heated. Then through the action of “Thermo syphoning”, the hot water rose up through the top outlet and entered the cooling tank, where it would dissipate the heat. The cooler water would then sink to the bottom of the tank to start the cycle again. Throughout the whole explanation, the man listened very attentively to what I said, without interruption, making sure that he saw everything I pointed out, as I moved my hands to each part I was describing.
After almost an hour of explanation the man seemed to comprehend then how the machine actually worked!
“Well! He said. That makes sense now that you have explained it!” “I thought initially that the machine was used to boil water for a bath!”
“Well you know what it does now, don’t you!” said I. “Well I’m from the city!” he retorted, “I’ve never seen anything like this before!”
Just then, another man approached us and stood beside him. He was obviously an acquaintance of the first man. “What does it do?” asked the second man. Without any hesitation, the first man replied, “IT BOILS WATER FOR A BATH!”
Author: Greg Poulter
Date: 12-9-99 4.00pm
This Document is Copyright. Unauthorised reproduction prohibited without written approval of the author.
Porthos
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 13,287
- Location
- San Antonio Tx
Markverhyden
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 10,837
- Location
- Raleigh, NC
A local auto body shop ......
Altster
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 1,394
- Location
- Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
LOST WIFE...
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
Altster
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 1,394
- Location
- Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
Kinda like the joke that ends with "Well 50 dollars is 50 dollars". 
Markverhyden
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 10,837
- Location
- Raleigh, NC
When the left brain (her husband) and right brain get old.....
Altster
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 1,394
- Location
- Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
8
Oh yeah, I have subscribed to her videos in youtube - quite funny and truthful so much of the time
GTP
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 9,449
- Location
- Adelaide, Australia
This is a story about four bodies name Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it!
Anybody could have done it, but, eventually, Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job!
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it!
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody asked Anybody!
Anonymous
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it!
Anybody could have done it, but, eventually, Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job!
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it!
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody asked Anybody!
Anonymous
glricht
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 797
- Location
- Zephyrhills, Florida
Absolutely one of the classic bits of humor of all time. Makes me shake my head when I think of all the rehearsal they must have done to make it so smooth and effortless. You really don't hear bits like that anymore.
glennd
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 2,526
- Location
- South West Victoria Australia
NJW
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 1,010
- Location
- Deux-Sèvres, France
Yup. One of the best ever
That sketch has been immortalised by every mention of candles (or fork handles) ever since. It's impossible to help yourself from making the puns whenever items from the sketch are mentioned.
Altster
Well-Known Member
- Reaction score
- 1,394
- Location
- Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
Being from the States (of confusion) I don't think I'd ever heard of the "Two Ronnies" before. Thanks for the laughs
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