Humor Section!

Porthos · Apr 2, 2020

If only these dummies who won't stay in would retake the Tide Pod challenge.

Kitten Kong · Apr 3, 2020

Could not resist copying this as tears were rolling down my face thank you to the original poster, a lady named sally cooper.

So it's day 9 of this social distancing thing, I think it's day 9, I'm not entirely sure, it could be fucking Thursday the 30th of fucking never for all I know

What I do know is I didn't put the clock in the lounge forward an hour so I've been living in the past all fucking day. On the flip side of that it was an hour less I had to endure with every fucking ******* in this house.

At the start of this semi lock down him indoors occupied himself with jobs around the house he'd been threatening to do since we moved in 15 months ago so I didn't see much of him, now he's ran out of masonry paint and enthusiasm he's wondering around pissing me off.

He's 46, 47 in July, we're meant to be going to amsterdam. The way things are going we'll be lucky to go out in the back garden.

He calls me this morning, I ignore him. I've been shut down with him for over a week and the sound of his fucking voice gives me a forest Whitaker eye.

I ignore him for as long as I can, which isn't very long considering we're confined to these four fucking walls

Me: WHAT FOR **** SAKE??!!!!

Him: I saw on Facebook how to make a face mask from things laying around the house. Look

Me: *groans and turns around* he's fucking stood there with a pair of his green boxers turned into a balaclava like an obese raphael.

Me:

Him: I can wear this when I go out

Me: go out? You've not been further than the shed for 9 fucking days, I'm the one that risks my life going to get the bread. Bone idle ****

Him: do you want it then?

I ignore the prick and walk back into the kitchen for something else to fucking eat. I need to try social distancing from the fucking cupboards, I swear to god I heard the cupboard say " what the **** do you want now you massive fat twat" when I stuck my head in looking for another time out wafer. Probably a good thing that I can't go anywhere because **** all fits me and I can't bend over without nearly passing out. I'm going to have to walk sideways through my doors if this carries on

Him indoors suggested a weight bench and may be jogging, I suggested he best **** off as I'm sent out for a fucking French stick to fill with sausages and bacon for him in the fucking dark and I swear I heard the purge alarm.

I come back with a French stick another 4 pints of fucking milk and 6 eggs, eggs are more expensive than gold and my local shop sold me 6 loose ones and didn't give me a bag, I had to put them on the passenger seat and drive slowly as I could all the way home.

I get back and go and tell him indoors I need him to come and get the French stick.

He rolled his eyes

He rolled his fucking eyes at me

There was an exchange of foul language and me telling him exactly what he can do with this French fucking stick

The was another barrage of foul language and I smashed him over the head with the French stick

It snapped in half

He picked up the other end and hit me with it

*******

We're out in the dark like an overweight punch and Judy, jousting with bread

I still wasn't speaking to him this morning

I'm just sat on the sofa minding my own business whilst he's in the bath, he's not in there long enough and I can hear him coming back down

I put back on my resting bitch face

He comes bursting onto the lounge

Naked

A piece of what looks like one of my towels tied around his head and starts river dancing on the rug like stavros flatley

I'm glaring at him whilst he's doing the truffle shuffle

He steps on the cat!!

It's fucking chaos

He's still on the cat

I heard the air leave it like a deflating balloon

He's stepped back onto a paw patrol pick up truck and a spider man a little

He's falling

He's 22 stone

It's like a felled tree

The cats wrapped around his ankle

Hissing with what breath it has left

**** me

****!! The cat

He's hit the fucking deck

The fucking whole house shook

It would have measure 6.9 on the Richter scale

I've scooped the cat up and checked it over

He's laid on the rug like a wounded goliath

Him: my arm!! My fucking elbow!! You're gonna have to help me up!!

Me: help you up? Are you mad? I'll have to keep you warm til the fire brigade get here. Just get up you wanker. Heave yourself up with your good arm.

Him: I think I've broken my arm

Me: wrap ya pants around your head and go to minor injuries then.

He didn't bother going. Probably come out with something worse than a sprained elbow anyway.

Like a little beacon of hope Gillian messages me to say she's made some cup cakes using a new recipe, chocolate sponge injected with caramel.

My fat chubby mouth is watering at the thought so I tell her I'll be five minutes and to leave them in the porch

I pick up the tray and walk back. I actually take a bite out of one because I'm greedy as ****

I walk up my drive

The wind blows and blows each on onto the fucking stones

They're covered in stones, ash and debris

I'm on my knees trying to save them, save one at least

I'm devastated

The fucking crows are circling like they know a fat **** has dropped cake

I think about shooing them but remember when my friend told me about crows that remember when people have been mean to them.

Apparently an experiment was carried out once when a man was mean to a crow and when ever he went out the crowd would chase him to try and peck him and got their mates to join in, one day he wore a mask, they didn't recognise him so left him alone. The day he took his mask off, there they were ready to pounce.

She clearly had too much time on her hands

**** it. I'm locked down for how ever long and the last thing I want are crows shitting all over my clean drying sheets or packing out my fucking eyes they can have the fucking cake.

I go back into the prison, I mean my house to be greeted by the strongest smell of **** and utter carnage

Me: what the ****?!

Them: the kids(dogs) want to go.out to poop and because you weren't here for 30 seconds and it's raining they pooped indoors

This is my first week of quarantine

I'm a fat fucking wreck

Porthos · Apr 3, 2020

14025_!%20a%20l%20the%20bar%20majorgeeks.jpg

Porthos · Apr 3, 2020

14027_just%20like%20that%20majorgeeks.jpg

Porthos · Apr 4, 2020

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

Never take life too seriously.