Humor Section!

[GTP]

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters = BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters = MOON STARER
DESPERATION = A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES = THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH = HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE = HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY = DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES = CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY = IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS = LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS = ALAS ! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT = I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES = THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO = TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW = WOMAN HITLER

 

[GTP]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

 

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[TechLady]

 

[Kitten Kong]

So True
1) Moles are always smaller than you imagine.
2) At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle get synchronised with that of a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether its OK to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether its against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9) Whatever your age the desire to make plastic toy figurines assume intercourse positions is almost impossible to resist.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating an apple.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a flat ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to accidentally call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool while picking up a frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Elderly ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has had their arm (or neck) broken by a swan.
30) The most painful common household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to specifically stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.
37) Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child.

 

[Porthos]

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

Be sure to turn it upside down

 

[britechguy]

Be sure to turn it upside down

Strangely enough, I never did either that entry nor the inversion!

 

[Markverhyden]

Be sure to turn it upside down

I remember doing those "tricks" in the early '70's when my Dad got a TI SR10 for work.

https://www.google.com/search?q=calculator+upside+down+words&oq=calcualtor+upside+down+&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0i13l2j0i22i30l7.8791j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

 

[Markverhyden]

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle get synchronised with that of a complete stranger.

My friends and I always said one just rents beer.

 

[Markverhyden]

Copyright The Wall Street Journal (just to make it official)

 

[HCHTech]

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to accidentally call your teacher mum or dad.

I'm not proud of this, but in a moment of exasperation, 20-something me once started a heated reply to my boss, "Dammit, honey!" It did calm down the moment, I'll admit; followed by some awkward laughter. My colleagues didn't let me forget that for quite a long time.

 

[Porthos]

30) The most painful common household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

Or a LEGO.

 

[Porthos]

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10"

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.”

When the old lady wanted to know why ...

The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said , “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”


The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $3000

"Well, please let me have $3000 now", and the teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her

Then the old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.

So the moral of this short tale is quite simple .......

Don't try to be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills and always have a few extra seconds to spare ...

 

[Porthos]

 

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[Porthos]

 

[Porthos]